the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
