When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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