My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
That accounts for only three of the penises
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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