party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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