Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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