Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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