What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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