She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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