and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
