Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
