i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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