I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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