i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
what day is it and did you see me today?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm too high and old for this...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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