Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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