Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
