Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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