His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
