She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
