she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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