I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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