We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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