Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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