I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
is wine microwaveable?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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