They should really pass out barf bags in church
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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