the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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