She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
