Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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