i was rollin on her like bob the builder
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Let's get the cat blown out
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
