May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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