me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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