coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
