Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
