Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
