life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
