SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
