I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
