just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
