how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
