She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
