mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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