My room smells like vodka and shame
She is in my trunk
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
