Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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