my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
