having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
