I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
