no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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