i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
