trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
