I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
