i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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