my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
